The 40 Year Old Bat Mitzvah

“Snowball died and suddenly nothing made sense anymore”

Posted in personal growth by Juliet on March 8, 2010

You know how other people say stuff like that?

“I thought I had it all figured out.  Great marriage, great job, then Jim had an accident, lost his job, my grandma died, and suddenly nothing made sense anymore.”

I have NO idea what they are talking about.

“Suddenly nothing made sense anymore.”

Nothing has ever made sense to me in the first place.

Over the course of my life, certain spiritual experiences have resonated with me.  They are Jewish moments:  watching my children’s faces glowing with candlelight on Friday night, their cheeks the teeniest bit rosy from a finger-dipped taste of kiddush wine; kneading challah until I become lost in it like a working meditation; familiar mysterious prayers in Hebrew or Aramaic.

But I can’t really say that any of this makes sense or “feels right” or “you just know it when you know it.”  That might work for porno movies but it doesn’t seem like a deep enough way to choose a spiritual practice.

If nothing makes sense to my world, where do I turn for guidance?

Do I trust myself?  Or do I just want someone to tell me what to do?  Is looking to others for guidance – a program, a roadmap, a how-to book – a crutch?  Is it the lazy woman’s shortcut to spiritual fulfillment?  Will I try to fill myself up with diesel when I actually needed unleaded?

Or is not seeking guidance the ultimate in vanity:  to think I know all the answers when really, I know nothing?  I know so little that I don’t even know what I do not know?

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One Response

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  1. Julie said, on March 9, 2010 at 3:00 PM

    Great writing! Here’s to a morning of diesel fuel and hindsight. Rock on sister, maybe Snowball really wanted to die?


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