The 40 Year Old Bat Mitzvah

Manna from Heaven. And learn to type.

Posted in personal growth, philosophizing, spirituality by Juliet on March 11, 2010

I have money issues.

No snickering about money and the Jews.  Or money and bat mitzvahs.

Money is an absolutely legitimate topic to discuss when considering a spiritual journey.

For instance:

  • I don’t earn much of it these days (never mind that I work harder now taking care of two young kids than I ever did at a paid job.)  Scott earns all of the money and for the most part I decide how to spend it.
  • I don’t really like to spend money.  Honestly, sometimes it even makes me a little (lot!) uncomfortable.  I have been known to chicken out and return major purchases.
  • I spend a fair amount of time worrying about money.
  • I have no idea when we will have “enough” money.  Enough money for what, you ask?  For – I don’t know.  To relax.  To let down my guard and enjoy, I guess.

My biggest issue with money is wanting to feel an internal sense of plenty.  Abundance.  Faith and trust that there will always be enough for everyone.

Manna?

Shmot (Exodus) says that God provided manna to the Jews each morning with the dew as they wandered in the desert.  This food provided everything they needed, and it appeared without fail.  If they tried to set some aside to save for a future day, it would quickly spoil.

In short, manna is a lesson in faith.  In trust.

I want to have an inner security that we will always have what we need.

Sure, I don’t have income now.  But Scott works hard to provide for us.  We have our ups and downs but luckily our ups weigh out more than our downs.  Plus we are good savers. We have life insurance.

What about me?  Flash foward to an alternate future where I am on my own, or even harder, am supporting the kids on my own.

I have a law degree.  I can type.  I need to know that everything will be okay in every possible future scenario, and not having a crystal ball, that’s impossible.  Hence my worry.

I use  worry as a hedge against bad things.  If I’m actively worrying about X right at this moment, I’m preventing it from happening.  I am keeping the earth spinning on its axis.  (You’re welcome.)

I am feeling money-related resentment lately.

Grape juice on the carpet:  I am buying a new carpet!

Broken Burleighware Asiatic Pheasant tea cup:  I am online pricing replacements, plus matching cereal bowls since our crappy old bowls from our wedding registry are all chipped!

Shrunken clothes in the dryer:  I am going back to J. Crew and buying all those cute clothes I drooled over but was afraid to try on when I was at the mall the other day!

Tied in with the resentment is fear.  If I’m afraid we don’t have enough, I’m being silly:  Of course we have enough!  Danger is in letting down my guard.

Or so I fear…

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